The interpersonal conflict that I am going to write about happened just a couple of minutes ago between me and my girlfriend. I was on my way back after a shag day with work piling up waiting for me to do when I get back home. I then decided to call up my girlfriend on the journey back. However, she did not pick up my calls. After a few minutes, she messaged me back to say that she was in the shower and to give her 5 minutes and she will call me back. She indeed call me about 5 minutes later. However, after a few seconds, I heard a commotion over the phone and it turned out that it was her sister trying to talk to her. My girlfriend asked her to go away and returned to the call.My reaction was to tell her that if she have something important, she can go do it first. That had pissed her off and after a short while we hang up the phone.
I was naturally as unhappy as she was but was wondering what had pissed her off and this was not the first time. My rationale was for her to finish up the important stuff first before being able to relax and talk to me undisturbed. My guess was that on her part, she values the calls that we have and I have assumed that there was something more important than the call.
This interpersonal conflict had got me thinking about how effective communication through mediums such as phone can be. I have always valued a face to face talk.
Hi Xing Quan,
ReplyDeleteI could totally understand how you feel! This is ever so common in relationships and it is always wise to learn how to give and take.
Your girlfriend in this case did not want you to wait any longer and decided to return your call. However, you found it was unnecessary as you thought she had more important issues to attend to. By 'chasing' her away, I supposed she was greatly hurt, afterall she placed you above her sister.
I guess you have to appreciate the fact that she was more than willing to speak to you than anyone else. You are being thoughtful on you part as well, by asking her to go ahead with things that you deem are important.
Perhaps learning to give in at times will make things better for you. Appreciate that she values your calls, and don't turn her away. However, I must mention that it is not wrong to spare a thought for her, but as proven, sometimes we just got to give in. :)
Below are some mistakes in tenses spotted in your post. They should be in past tense.
1) However, she did not pick up my calls. pick --> picked
2) After a few minutes, she message me back to say that... message --> messaged
etc.
Cheers! :D I hope things are fine now between you and your girlfriend.
Hi Xing Quan,
ReplyDeleteI could understand whatever you have just did earlier. It was a typical gentlemanly style of interacting with your girlfriend, that is to give in.
In my opinion, the reason as to why she feels angry is probably because she places you above everything. She sees you as someone important in her life. Thus she would rather end the conversation with her sister abruptly than to hang up your phone.
On your part, I think you should reevaluate your policy of giving in. Probably you could spend some time to fully understand the temperament of your girlfriend better. Some girls just do not like guys to always give in to them as they dislike the idea of them being seen as vulnerable and pampered individuals. So I think when faced with someone like your girlfriend, the concept of pushing and pulling would be highly applicable.
Pushing means giving in but it should not be all the time and likewise for pulling, which means restraining and letting the girl take the initiative also should not be done all the time. A balance of both would be perfect. As to the anmout of push and pull to consider, I think the answer would boil down to your understanding of your girlfriend.
Lastly, what I can actually say is that you have a fabulous girlfriend who really has your welfare at heart at all times which can be seen from the incident that you have cited. Do cherish her well and I hope things will be back to normal.. :D
@Alvin,
ReplyDeleteThe first mistake pointed is wrong as we cannot use a past form of verb if we are using "did" itself. Thanks.
Hey Xing Quan,
ReplyDeleteI guess this is a situation that all parties in relationships face. I guess the root cause would probably be a difference in the interpretation of intentions. In your post, you described your intentions of ending the call early. However, on her part, she may feel upset that you did not reciprocate her anxiety of being able to talk on the phone with you. Probably, she felt that you do not value her as much as she values you, hence making her feel insecure. I guess this is what most girls are mindful about. (:
Perhaps, the situation could have been better managed if you explained to her the rationale of your actions. More often than not, conflicts arise due to a lack of communication. This further result in miscommunications and misunderstandings. After clear explanations, she would understand you had good intentions and wanted what was best for her. On the one hand, you would become more self-aware and understand the consequences of your future actions better. On the other hand, through such conflicts, she would also understand your true intentions of your actions in the future, even without explanations! That is when you guys can communicate effectively with non-verbal means. When that is achieved, I am sure your relationship would improve a notch higher.
With respect to the 7Cs, I felt that you were able to deliver a concise recount on what had happened. In my opinion however, you may need to improve on the aspect of completeness and correctness. Probably more elaborations on emotions would have been better. But nevertheless, it was definitely a great read! (:
Cheers! :D
Hi Xing Quan,
ReplyDeleteAside from the past tense mistakes, perhaps a little more emotion in the post would've made it more enjoyable to read.
If I were in your position, I would explain to her your rationale when the oppotunity presents itself, whether face to face or over the phone.
Wyhow
P/S: I dislike talking on the phone too, I've always preferred face to face talk.
Thanks, Xing Quan.
ReplyDeleteYou do real justice in this post to the requirement for conciseness, though almost to a fault. It might have helped the reader if you had given a bit more indication of what your girlfriend is like. That would make the description more complete, and perhaps more entertaining. Also, you're missing the question that you are supposed to pose for your readers to answer. What's the dilemma here?
Hi Xing Chuan,
ReplyDeleteI would not comment on how you could work out with your girlfriend, because I believe personal issues are best taken care of by that person alone.
The morale of the story is "who knows what women would do"...
You know, sometimes, a woman's behaviour could not be understood by anyone.:P
Thanks all for the comments, really appreciate all your care and concerns. I am still good with my girl :)
ReplyDeleteXi Xi:
Got to agree with you, sometimes I really cant guess what a women will do. Maybe I need some training :)
Mr Brad:
So sorry for the over conciseness, I think I have been obsessed with it. The dilemma here was that whether I should have told her to finish up her stuff first before talking on the phone or just carry on with the phone call.
I guess I have chosen to ask her finish up her stuff first, being oblivious of how she felt. This could have caused the conflict.
Alicia:
Thanks for the great advices, you almost sound like a relationship counselor :) I think you are right in her feeling a bit insecure when I decided to hung up early. About the emotions, I was having mixed emotions myself when i wrote the post, hence I think I did not reflect well on the emotions in the post ;) Thanks for reading !
Sylvester:
Thanks for your clear concise "101 tips to relationships" haha :) Its what Engineers like me need. I agree with you on the part of balancing between pushing and pulling. I think its important to know when to push ahead and when it is time to pull back. Even in dealing with people everyday, we must be aware of when to give in and when to stand firmly on your stand. It is then that we build better interpersonal relationships.
About my girlfriend, she is really nice. Too nice sometimes, that's why I am always afraid that she would be on the losing end.
Alvin:
You sound like Alicia ! Maybe that's why you all always hang out together ? Yup I think I have problems knowing when to give in or when to not. I guess all this require practice or is there like BRTC( Basic Relationship Training Centre) around ? haha
Thanks for pointing out the errors for me. I will make correction promptly :) and look out for these mistakes in the future.
Hi Xing Chuan,
ReplyDeleteI think there was only one problem( or rather say a conflict due to misunderstanding). You wanted her to finish any pending important talk and then you both can talk freely without any disturbances. You were right on your part. She misunderstood it , may be thinking that you were acting weird as she wants to talk to you while you are just concerned about "other" things. I kind of agree with Alicia and Sylvester in this matter.
The most appropriate solution would be to talk to her personally and tell her the way you felt and what was your true intention which she misunderstood. It is wrong not to clear off the misunderstandings and in this way you both can resolve the problem.